


Shadow's legacy

by mayachain



Category: Skuggserien | The Shadow Series - Maria Gripe
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Crossdressing, Family Issues, Forgiveness, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, M/M, Post-Canon, Theatre, Translation, accidental incestuous feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-21
Updated: 2016-09-21
Packaged: 2018-08-16 14:06:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8105296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mayachain/pseuds/mayachain
Summary: It emerges that Carl is Carolin is a woman, and Arild is relieved.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Skyggenes arv](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8105098) by [mayachain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mayachain/pseuds/mayachain). 



> Arild's dilemma may have been twelve-year-old mayachain's first encounter with anything remotely slash-like. She was very disappointed when his feelings for Carl/Carolin were explained away after the big reveal and downright dispelled into thin air.

Arild is relieved. He is so very relieved. He is also not a little vexed, feels betrayed by Carl who in reality is Carolin. A young lady. A woman. Not a man. His sister. His _little sister_ , but –

It emerges that Carl is Carolin is a woman, and Arild is relieved. There is nothing wrong with him. He may have felt drawn to Carl, Carl who is Carolin who is a woman, but as Carl is Carolin is a woman it means that Arild has inferred this all along, that Carl is Carolin is a woman, which is why he felt attracted to – her, it turns out.

He had no reason to assume that this was Carolin who was his unknown little sister, so this – this simply indicates that Arild felt a connection between them which he – which he interpreted in a twisted romantic way since he could never have imagined that his mother had given birth to a natural daughter.

Arild has nothing to be ashamed of. There was nothing shameful in his feelings for Carl because Carl is Carolin is a woman (his sister). It is permitted to love one’s sister. He loves Rosilda very much. Everybody knows that he loves Rosilda.

Arild felt drawn to Carl. He believed that Carl was a young man (Berta’s brother), which is why Arild spent many a night in despair, but while he was not alert to Carl being Carolin he must have nevertheless intuited it, his body (his soul) must have been aware of it and reacted to said awareness.

Carl was an unusual young man. Carolin is an unusual young woman. (Carolin is his sister.)

The only reason Arild could delude himself that he was feeling attraction toward Carl was that he – that she –

**

Arild feels drawn to Ingeborg. Ingeborg is a young woman. She is Carolins (and Berta’s) friend.

Arild has forgiven Carolin. Carolin could never have known what she would do to him when she donned a man’s clothes and introduced herself as Carl and became Arild’s friend and sent his state of mind into ruin.

Berta. Berta knew, but Berta was younger than Carolin and had little knowledge about life. Arild knows that even though he attempted to lay himself bare to her in his distress when he still believed Carolin was Carl was a young man, Berta did not have the understanding to comprehend just how wretched were his circumstances. Berta owed her loyalty first and foremost to her brother – her sister. (Carolin is Arild’s sister.)

Arild feels drawn to Ingeborg. Ingeborg is a young woman. Ingeborg is Berta’s friend, Carolin’s friend, (Rosilda’s friend?) Arild has forgiven his sister.

Arild feels drawn to Ingeborg. Ingeborg, who is a young woman. He feels the beginnings of an attraction to her, as he felt attracted to Carl, and these feelings can be similar because Carl was Carolin was a young woman like Ingeborg. Arild feels attraction toward a young woman.

**

Arild has a little sister called Carolin. Carolin is a young woman who, upon meeting him, let Arild believe she was a young man named Carl. Arild has forgiven his little sister.

**

Carolin has found her calling at a theatre company. Carolin still disguises herself as Carl as she travels with the company and performs the role of man after man after man.

Arild can see Carolin’s soul when she is performing, when Carl is standing on the theatre’s stage and performing. He no longer feels attracted to Carl because Carl is Carolin is his little sister.

Many of Carolin’s fellow thespians know that Carl is Carolin is a woman. Arild understands that to them Carolin is worthy of respect for vigorously personifying her profession.

One of the players who is aware that Carl is Carolin is a woman, is a young man called Martin. Carolin introduced Martin and many others to her siblings when they came and watched her impersonate Carl impersonating the play’s central figure on the theatre’s stage. 

Arild conversed with Carolin that evening. He conversed with Rosilda, with Berta, with his mother. He conversed with the man Carolin herself believes to be Carolin’s father. He conversed with Martin. He conversed with Adam who is the man Carolin – not Carl – feels drawn to.

**

Arild feels drawn to Martin.

**

Arild feels attracted to Martin. Arild is disquieted. It is conceivable that Martin is Martine is a young woman who has elected to be an actor instead of an actress. Arild can intuit this to be the truth, as his body (his soul) once intuited that Carl was Carolin was a woman.

Arild never consciously suspected that Carl was Carolin was a woman. He is mulling over that very suspicion now, dreaming of Martin being Martine being a woman, but – he has attempted a discrete appreciation: Martin has a hint of shadow along his jaw…

Arild suspects that the young Martine is mere imagination, a _mirage_ , a dream.

Martin is a young man – he is an attractive young man – and like Carolin once did as Carl, Martin is hurtling Arild’s soul toward its ruin.

**

Arild is afraid. He is so very afraid. He cannot confide in Ingeborg. He cannot confide in Rosilda. He wishes he did not know how little it would help to confide in Berta.

(How can he confide in Berta when she knew that Carl was a woman was Carolin –)

Young Berta was too inexperienced to help young Arild. Young Berta held on to Arild’s terrible secret. Her loyalty toward Carolin was larger than her loyalty toward Arild. It is conceivable that she felt torn by the conflicting truths she knew, but: Berta was Carolin’s sister above all else.

Berta owed Carolin her loyalty above all else, owed it to her sister before she owed it to Arild. She _does not_ owe Martin more than she owes Arild, her friend. Yet – even though Berta is now older, even though she never let slip Arild’s (or Carolin’s) secret, Arild cannot weigh her down with his soul’s –

**

Every time Martin is entering a stage, he does so having had thoughts on each of the parts, from the play’s protagonist to the lowliest supernumerary. He may not have Rosilda’s imagination, may not have the same heart for adventure that Carl had (Carolin has), but the way he inspires Arild to _think_ –

**

Before Arild lets his mind drown in despair he must be certain that Martin is not Martine is a man is not a woman – he is fast in his belief but he does not _know_ –

Arild is relieved that Martin is not the man Carolin feels drawn to – nor does Rosilda – even though it is thinkable that Arild would overcome the obsession all the sooner if Martin were to be his brother-in-law.

There is hope; Martin is not his brother like Carolin is his sister, but Arild no longer dreams about an attractive young man named Carl. Whenever he comes across Carl in a dream Arild is always alert to Carl being Carolin, his sister.

He has overcome the obsession that filled his mind over Carl. Should he never see Martin again, the memory of Martin and the attraction Arild felt toward him would surely disappear.

**

If Arild never encounters Martin again it is conceivable that he can save his peace of mind. If Arild ceases to travel to where Carolin’ Carl is performing on a stage he will likely never lay eyes on Martin for the rest of his life.

Provided that Arild is strong enough to never again behold how Martin lights up when Arild comes to meet Carl at the theatre. Provided that he can forget how Martin’s very being shines when they – when Martin and Arild – converse. Provided that Arild is strong enough to never again take in the sight of Carolin’s Carl – nor Martin himself – on the boards.

In that event, Arild must be strong enough to aggrieve Carolin. Strong enough to aggrieve both his sisters. Strong enough to aggrieve _Martin_ – Martin is their friend, Martin is Arild’s friend. Martin is Arild’s friend whom Arild –

**

If Arild’s obsession does not dissipate… If Arild’s obsession with Martin does not dissipate… if it _grows_ … If Arild’s obsession with Martin grows it is conceivable that –

Arild can aggrieve neither his sisters nor his friend. Arild cannot eschew Martin’s smile. Arild cannot live like this – Carolin found Adam – she was Carl – he cannot escape confiding, one day, in Carolin.

She was Carl who was Carolin who was a woman. She owes him –

She is Carolin, his little sister. She is Carolin his little sister who brought back their mother to he and Rosilda, his forgiven little sister who has made evident to her brother how to give up hiding from the one you –

Carolin, who stands on a stage with Martin dozens of times a year. Carolin, who travels with him. Carolin, who Arild is certain knows with certainty whether Martin is or is not Martine.

Carolin, who perchance might discover if Martin has deeper feelings for Arild. (Arild is scared witless.)

Carolin, who has made evident to her brother how to give up hiding away from the one you love.

**


End file.
